COVID-19 Lockdown, Day 42
This was not a good day. I was awakened by a phone call from my mother who told me that my Aunt Hattie had died. No, it was not COVID-19. For the past 20 years, she has had a long list of health problems, including diabetes, kidney disease, and kidney failure. I honestly don't know what I feel right now. A part of me wants to bawl my heart out, but I don't. A part of me wants to scream with anger, but I don't. The feeling that stays with me is numbness. I have lost many loved ones over the past 20 or so years, including friends, two uncles, an great-aunt, a 3 month old cousin, a mentor, a grandfather, a great-grandmother, and now my aunt--my grandmother's second-born.
Why am I angry, you may ask? First, I mean no disrespect to anyone of earthly or celestial living. It's just that I was always concerned about her health. Ever since I was little, I almost never saw her without a cigarette between her fingers. She was known to smoke two packs a day; her favorite brand was Kool Longs. In school, we were always told about the dangers of smoking and secondhand smoke. I would always tell Aunt Hattie what I learned so that she would stop smoking. Of course, it didn't work. I tried praying for her to stop. I tried sending her an encouraging letter with a promise to take her out to a fancy dinner if she stopped smoking. I even bribed her oldest granddaughter, when she was a toddler, to tell her to stop. Nothing worked, even when she became sick.
There came a pivotal point when my Uncle Jerome, her younger brother, died from lung cancer. Yes, he also smoked. We all met at Grandma's house to comfort each other. To my horror, I smelled cigarette smoke. I looked up, and there was Aunt Hattie, sitting there and smoking a cigarette. I was so upset that I got up and stormed out of the room. After a minute, my mother came after me and asked what was bothering me. I asked her, "Doesn't it bother you that she can't even put down the cigarettes while we are her together?" Mom said, "Yes, but you've got to understand, she is addicted, so she can't stop." To this, I replied, "Well, if she dies, I won't go to her funeral!"
Aunt Hattie, if you can see this, I didn't mean it. I only said this because I loved you and was concerned for your health. Every time you smoked, I worried about what was happening to your lungs. Every time you ate the wrong foods when you have diabetes and kidney disease, I prayed that you would stop. I prayed for you when you had gotten kidney failure. I rejoiced when you received a new kidney, and I hoped that, when you said you would take better care of yourself, you meant it. To everyone reading this, your life and your body is NOT your own! You belong to all of those who care for you. If someone who cares for you feels you are smoking too much, drinking too much, eating too much of the wrong things, or not taking care of yourself, LISTEN TO THEM! Take them seriously, and get help. Even if you have an addition, you have choices. Make the right ones for your family. In the Name of Jesus, take care of yourselves! You don't know who you are hurting otherwise. My cousin lost her mother today, her children lost their grandmother, and my grandmother must now bury the third of her children. If I have tears, I will shed them for them as they are suffering the most. What is worse, the lockdown will prevent us for having a funeral with the full family since only 10 people can be in the church. I hope we will have enough hours at the wake to accommodate family and friends.
I still reflect on the good times I had with Aunt Hattie. I remember when I was 12 and in the hospital, I would not eat the meal they gave me, and she ate my vegetables for me. She then danced around and said "Vegetables make me happy!" She was there when I graduated high school and the family took me out to dinner. She was also there for my induction into Phi Theta Kappa, as well as when I had gotten my Bachelors and Masters degrees. She was also there for my wedding. We wept together when my 3 month old cousin, her second granddaughter, died. I remember her raucous laughter as well as I remember being able to speak frankly to her about my depression since she also suffered from it.
I know that death is a part of life, but must it affect so many people all at once? I am tired of people dying! I am tired of going to funerals! I am tired of the heartbreak, the tears, and all of it. I am tired of being tired! At least I can take comfort in the fact that she put her faith in Jesus, so I know she is in paradise now. If any of you reading this do not know Jesus Christ, I will be happy to talk to you about Him, about what He has done for me, and what He has done for you as well.
--Signing off.
Why am I angry, you may ask? First, I mean no disrespect to anyone of earthly or celestial living. It's just that I was always concerned about her health. Ever since I was little, I almost never saw her without a cigarette between her fingers. She was known to smoke two packs a day; her favorite brand was Kool Longs. In school, we were always told about the dangers of smoking and secondhand smoke. I would always tell Aunt Hattie what I learned so that she would stop smoking. Of course, it didn't work. I tried praying for her to stop. I tried sending her an encouraging letter with a promise to take her out to a fancy dinner if she stopped smoking. I even bribed her oldest granddaughter, when she was a toddler, to tell her to stop. Nothing worked, even when she became sick.
There came a pivotal point when my Uncle Jerome, her younger brother, died from lung cancer. Yes, he also smoked. We all met at Grandma's house to comfort each other. To my horror, I smelled cigarette smoke. I looked up, and there was Aunt Hattie, sitting there and smoking a cigarette. I was so upset that I got up and stormed out of the room. After a minute, my mother came after me and asked what was bothering me. I asked her, "Doesn't it bother you that she can't even put down the cigarettes while we are her together?" Mom said, "Yes, but you've got to understand, she is addicted, so she can't stop." To this, I replied, "Well, if she dies, I won't go to her funeral!"
Aunt Hattie, if you can see this, I didn't mean it. I only said this because I loved you and was concerned for your health. Every time you smoked, I worried about what was happening to your lungs. Every time you ate the wrong foods when you have diabetes and kidney disease, I prayed that you would stop. I prayed for you when you had gotten kidney failure. I rejoiced when you received a new kidney, and I hoped that, when you said you would take better care of yourself, you meant it. To everyone reading this, your life and your body is NOT your own! You belong to all of those who care for you. If someone who cares for you feels you are smoking too much, drinking too much, eating too much of the wrong things, or not taking care of yourself, LISTEN TO THEM! Take them seriously, and get help. Even if you have an addition, you have choices. Make the right ones for your family. In the Name of Jesus, take care of yourselves! You don't know who you are hurting otherwise. My cousin lost her mother today, her children lost their grandmother, and my grandmother must now bury the third of her children. If I have tears, I will shed them for them as they are suffering the most. What is worse, the lockdown will prevent us for having a funeral with the full family since only 10 people can be in the church. I hope we will have enough hours at the wake to accommodate family and friends.
I still reflect on the good times I had with Aunt Hattie. I remember when I was 12 and in the hospital, I would not eat the meal they gave me, and she ate my vegetables for me. She then danced around and said "Vegetables make me happy!" She was there when I graduated high school and the family took me out to dinner. She was also there for my induction into Phi Theta Kappa, as well as when I had gotten my Bachelors and Masters degrees. She was also there for my wedding. We wept together when my 3 month old cousin, her second granddaughter, died. I remember her raucous laughter as well as I remember being able to speak frankly to her about my depression since she also suffered from it.
I know that death is a part of life, but must it affect so many people all at once? I am tired of people dying! I am tired of going to funerals! I am tired of the heartbreak, the tears, and all of it. I am tired of being tired! At least I can take comfort in the fact that she put her faith in Jesus, so I know she is in paradise now. If any of you reading this do not know Jesus Christ, I will be happy to talk to you about Him, about what He has done for me, and what He has done for you as well.
--Signing off.
Hattie Love
November 29, 1953-May 3, 2020
Rest in Shalom.
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