My Daily Struggle in the COVID-19 Lockdown

Today was better than yesterday, but I still had a weight in my stomach. I still worry about Putty and Grandma. I pray that they will be all right. I heard about how LA will extend their lockdown until August. August. That's a good portion of the summer. While I am not a fan of California, I know that summer is very important. Imagine closed or restricted beaches, restaurants, bars, clubs, etc. But then. imagine the unemployment. The percentage of people who are unemployed in this country has skyrocketed for the first time in several years. Some even say that the Great Depression is the only unemployment period worse than now. No wonder people are upset and are fighting against the state governments. But then, there are the deaths. Illinois has faced its highest spike so far--192 deaths in 24 hours. What about the percentage of those officially diagnosed? Has that also decreased? Is this lockdown truly working as it should? Is the source of our problems the incidents of quarant...

We had the funeral. It was just as emotional as I anticipated. We more or less observed social distancing, and we had a down-home funeral service for my aunt. I almost forgot I was Lutheran! haha I was glad to have the wife there to support me, and of course my mother was there, and Jayla, my cousin Putty's teen daughter, sat with us. She took it very roughly, losing her grandmother, Putty was hanging on, but at the finally viewing, she broke down. Then Jayla. Then, yes, me. Not only was I responding to everyone else's pain, but losing so many people around me, especially Ms. Sommese, was just too overwhelming. I know that Aunt Hattie, Ms. Sommese, the Holstein's, and my clients are in better places, but it still hurts. Even now do I feel as if I still have rain and thunder left. I say it a million times, I AM BLOODY WELL SICK OF DEATH! Can I get an Amen? All I can say is, if ever the time came that I lost my mother and wife at the same time (God forbid), someone may need...

Tomorrow is the day. Twenty-five of us will sit in church and say goodbye to Aunt Hattie before we bury her. For those who are not part of the immediate family, they will need to watch via Zoom. It hit me this afternoon that tomorrow was the funeral. Since then, my chest has been tight, my breathing has become a little labored, and occasional tears still flow. I will miss Aunt Hattie very much. I will miss her raspy voice, how she nods her head when she talks and listens, and even her constant posting and messaging. Tomorrow will be hard for everyone, but we will get through it. We must. This has been even harder on my grandmother. She will not be joining us tomorrow because it is all too much for her. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you gave birth to 8 children and you buried three of those. Plus two sisters, both parents, and her best friend. Burying even one child is one too many. I weep especially for her, for only God knows how much pain she is in. I weep for her daughter and...

Today started out rough. As you can tell from my previous post, yesterday was pretty bad. I went over to see my grandmother, my cousin, and her children. They are doing as well as can be expected. They are getting ready for next week, going through her belongings. That is such as stressful and emotional thing to do as it is matter of going through old pictures and memoirs. Aunt Hattie certainly took a lot of photos! In fact, she took photos of everyone! I am going to look for some photos tomorrow and will post what I find. In other news, it seems that governor is planning to "reopen" the state in 5 stages. With all that has transpired, I hadn't the chance to read more into this. I should do that tomorrow. Alas, this lockdown has placed us into a stalemate. On the one hand, if we reopen the state too hastily, more people will get sick and die. On the other hand, if we keep this strict lockdown for too long, the state, and its less fortunate residents, will go bankrupt. ...

Another rough day. I found out when Aunt Hattie's wake and funeral will be. I am glad that the number of people allowed inside for the service is 25, and they will Zoom the service for everyone else. Another family funeral. It seems that the only time I get to see my whole family together is at funerals. Now my workplace is starting to step up precautions even more. Not only must I check my temperature before going to work, but whenever I am at the group home, I must make sure to have my clients check their temperature and then record it. I understand why this must be done, but it is still a headache. I am so glad that I will take time off from work in late June and early July. I am going to spend the first few days at a Lutheran monastery in Michigan (yes, Lutheran monasteries exist). I have lost so much peace of mind the past few years, and it is going to take getting away from everyone and everything to get it back. I remember a time a long time ago when, no matter how dif...

This was not a good day. I was awakened by a phone call from my mother who told me that my Aunt Hattie had died. No, it was not COVID-19. For the past 20 years, she has had a long list of health problems, including diabetes, kidney disease, and kidney failure. I honestly don't know what I feel right now. A part of me wants to bawl my heart out, but I don't. A part of me wants to scream with anger, but I don't. The feeling that stays with me is numbness. I have lost many loved ones over the past 20 or so years, including friends, two uncles, an great-aunt, a 3 month old cousin, a mentor, a grandfather, a great-grandmother, and now my aunt--my grandmother's second-born. Why am I angry, you may ask? First, I mean no disrespect to anyone of earthly or celestial living. It's just that I was always concerned about her health. Ever since I was little, I almost never saw her without a cigarette between her fingers. She was known to smoke two packs a day; her favorite bran...