COVID-19 Lockdown, Day 51
We had the funeral. It was just as emotional as I anticipated. We more or less observed social distancing, and we had a down-home funeral service for my aunt. I almost forgot I was Lutheran! haha I was glad to have the wife there to support me, and of course my mother was there, and Jayla, my cousin Putty's teen daughter, sat with us. She took it very roughly, losing her grandmother, Putty was hanging on, but at the finally viewing, she broke down. Then Jayla. Then, yes, me. Not only was I responding to everyone else's pain, but losing so many people around me, especially Ms. Sommese, was just too overwhelming. I know that Aunt Hattie, Ms. Sommese, the Holstein's, and my clients are in better places, but it still hurts.
Even now do I feel as if I still have rain and thunder left. I say it a million times, I AM BLOODY WELL SICK OF DEATH! Can I get an Amen? All I can say is, if ever the time came that I lost my mother and wife at the same time (God forbid), someone may need to hospitalize me because I just might be in imminent danger of myself.
Though I wanted to go to the cemetery, only 10 people could go, so I said the kaddish for Aunt Hattie at her hearse, and then we stopped by my grandmother's house on the way home. She couldn't make to the funeral, but I am glad she was not alone. She told us what happened on the night Aunt Hattie died. I could tell my her red eyes that she had been crying. I'm glad she and my wife could finally talk since the last time they saw each other was on our wedding day.
After we stopped to get something to eat and came home, I did not feel like doing much else. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Yes, I will return to work tomorrow. I am going to do what I hope people will do when I cross the river: carry on.
In other news, I am ending my GoFundMe campaign for my alma matter. They decided to show how much they appreciate my efforts by deleting the links I posted to their Facebook pages and creating their own GoFundMe campaign. Isn't that Christian of them? But why I am surprised? They treated me this way when I was a member of that congregation. (by "they", I don't mean all of them, but enough). It's funny. Whenever I was enthusiastic about something when I went to church there, I could only get support from a few people: Mrs. Ingram and Mr. Kuck (God bless that man!) Others did their best to ignore me or silence me.
What I don't understand about the African-American community is this: why are we so eager to encourage those who are "at risk" or with a history of very poor decision making, but brothers like me are pushed to the side because we are considered nothing to worry about or even "bougie"? Such people are quick to point out racism in America and say "White folks" this and "White folks" that, but, with the exception of many in my family and quite a few enlightened brothers and sisters, the majority of those who nurture and appreciate my abilities and potential are, yes, White. I love my heritage and my people, but I wish they would love themselves and me more.
--Signing off.
Even now do I feel as if I still have rain and thunder left. I say it a million times, I AM BLOODY WELL SICK OF DEATH! Can I get an Amen? All I can say is, if ever the time came that I lost my mother and wife at the same time (God forbid), someone may need to hospitalize me because I just might be in imminent danger of myself.
Though I wanted to go to the cemetery, only 10 people could go, so I said the kaddish for Aunt Hattie at her hearse, and then we stopped by my grandmother's house on the way home. She couldn't make to the funeral, but I am glad she was not alone. She told us what happened on the night Aunt Hattie died. I could tell my her red eyes that she had been crying. I'm glad she and my wife could finally talk since the last time they saw each other was on our wedding day.
After we stopped to get something to eat and came home, I did not feel like doing much else. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Yes, I will return to work tomorrow. I am going to do what I hope people will do when I cross the river: carry on.
In other news, I am ending my GoFundMe campaign for my alma matter. They decided to show how much they appreciate my efforts by deleting the links I posted to their Facebook pages and creating their own GoFundMe campaign. Isn't that Christian of them? But why I am surprised? They treated me this way when I was a member of that congregation. (by "they", I don't mean all of them, but enough). It's funny. Whenever I was enthusiastic about something when I went to church there, I could only get support from a few people: Mrs. Ingram and Mr. Kuck (God bless that man!) Others did their best to ignore me or silence me.
What I don't understand about the African-American community is this: why are we so eager to encourage those who are "at risk" or with a history of very poor decision making, but brothers like me are pushed to the side because we are considered nothing to worry about or even "bougie"? Such people are quick to point out racism in America and say "White folks" this and "White folks" that, but, with the exception of many in my family and quite a few enlightened brothers and sisters, the majority of those who nurture and appreciate my abilities and potential are, yes, White. I love my heritage and my people, but I wish they would love themselves and me more.
--Signing off.
In case it doesn't show my ne this is Mikkel Pane here. It is a sad reality when those who you'd think would support you the most tend to be the biggest roadblocks. These are the same who will then look at you in another scenario asking why you don't do more to help the community, especially if you appear to be of what they deem "better means". It drives me nuts enough that at times I have to throw my hands up as those folks who believe like this apparently cannot be helped, short of a miracle. On the lighter side when I can convince one person at any given time after vetting them as someone who appears to be receptive to this way of thinking then I do feel I've won. I've rescued another black person from the self destructive way of thinking that plagues the whole community (yes even us half breeds), or, gave them that hope that they're not alone in this fight and that they have that support, even if it's just in the numbers. Whem they can show there's plenty out there who think the same as they do it adds strength to the foundation of their argument and their agenda. We all have to keep fighting the good fight even when it might seem hopeless.
ReplyDeletePreach on, brother!
Delete